Top 10 Talks About Sex For Midlife Women

Nov 10

Remember when we used to get the giggles when Salt-n-Pepa’s “Lets Talk About Sex” came on the radio? Well, since that 31-year-old song came out, some of us may have never grown into being comfortable broaching the subject. But now, as middle age women, it’s crucial we get over our fears and start talking. Sexuality can change a lot throughout one lifetime. And menopause and sex aren’t polar opposites.

These topics are just icebreakers, but if you ask me, there’s at least another 100 in the annex. Consider this a wake-up call.

Orgasm

Recently, a friend confided in me that she’s never had an orgasm. Not with a partner, not alone. Never. I was in shock. So I did a little reading about how many women on average haven’t experienced it. Come to find out, depending on the study, the figure ranges from only 50 to 70 percent – compared to the hetero men who report reaching orgasm 95% of the time in their sexual encounters.
And while it’s perfectly common that most women (80%-90%) have trouble climaxing with just vaginal sex, the why’s are more diverse. Medication, hormonal deficiency (relating to menopause), incompatible partners, medical problems, lack of exercise, smoking, drinking, recreational drugs, or sleep disorders are all factors. But what can be done? Is there help for women who can’t achieve orgasm?
Aside from oral medications that can help, particularly if women are taking antidepressants, an off-label topical solution might be the answer. With a prescription of your doctor and made by a compound pharmacy, “Scream Cream” can be applied to the labia and clitoris to increase blood flow and thus stimulate the nerve endings promoting orgasm.
In other words, call your doc, get some cream and live the dream. You (and your body) deserve it!

2. Masturbation

When was the last time you got to know yourself? I mean really took the time to devote 100% of your attention to your lady bits and your own sexual needs and desires? Studies show it takes young women some time to warm up to masturbation and while women age 20-39 are more likely to pleasure themselves, women between 18-20 and over 40 do so the least.

That doesn’t mean you’re too old or too late, though!

It just means you need to discover what makes you feel good and gets you hot so you can release that sexual tension. Remember that phrase different strokes for different folks? Well, it couldn’t be truer for masturbation either. How to masturbate with a vagina is easier than you think.

Experimenting with clitoral, vaginal, anal, a combo of the two, or erogenous zones (the rubbing, pinching, pulling, squeezing, or tugging of your nipples, inner thighs, ears, neck, or other parts of your body) during solo play can not only make you feel more connected to yourself, but can also help you to further communicate your likes and dislikes with your partner later. Prioritize some private time, set the mood, have some lube nearby, and let your mind wander while you explore yourself. I promise, your body, mind, and spirit won’t regret it.

3. Vaginal dryness

One of the biggest concerns as well as complaints is menopause and vaginal dryness. It’s true that along with our hormonal changes - drop in estrogen and progesterone - our vaginal walls just aren’t as fruitful and juicy as they used to be. Still, there are amazing lubricants on the market that are designed specifically for midlife men and women.

Grace & Frankie will probably always be my favorite series of empowering middle age women. And since the episode of Frankie’s homemade wild yam lube, I got my hands on a jar of the stuff from my midwife and I’ve never looked back. I’ve been a proud fan of Moonmaid Botanicals ProMeno Women’s Wild Yam Cream for nearly a decade and can’t imagine using another product, but you can always be on the lookout for authentic cottage house apothecaries who often supply similar edible and vaginal lubricant alternatives. Just buyer-beware of manufacturers that claim to yield wild yam in the ingredients but also include other toxic additions that are not oral-friendly.

4. looking sexy

Everyday we’re bombarded with images of what the fashion, entertainment, and media industries classify as “sexy.” And usually those images are of everything we can no longer relate to or emulate naturally: a younger, tighter, *girl*. Truth is, accepting the harsh reality that we’re no longer the young girls we used to be can be the hardest, coldest part of middle age. But it doesn’t mean we can’t look sexy. Ask my husband. He thinks Helen Mirren is sexy as hell and he’s 39.
Still, shopping at lingerie boutiques like Victoria’s Secret can feel discouraging with all the straps and clips and wires and lace accentuating only a younger version of us. When you’re looking for something sexy, consider checking out items like this: 15 Pieces of Lingerie for Older Women You’ll Feel Beautiful Wearing. I stumbled across it and bookmarked several. And maybe I even bought a few pieces as a result, but the point is looking sexy isn’t exclusive for young, tight girls. In our awakening, it’s all about how midlife women showcase it…

5. feeling sexy

I knew a girl in college who said, “I can’t have sex unless I feel beautiful.” I thought she was a total head case. But looking back, I can’t disagree with her. Feeling sexy can make or break a mood in a heartbeat; so surrounding yourself with sexy everything - movies, music, etc. – can actually make you feel sexy when you just plain don’t.

What makes us look, sound, smell, taste, and feel sexy can be electrifying. Dressing, talking, using perfume, and yes, brushing our teeth all with the intention of feeling sexy, will in fact jumpstart our psyche to help set the mood. So, get your endorphins moving - dance, exercise, do whatever your body feels like doing to stimulate those hormones. You’ll be the sexiest woman you’ll ever know. Besides, feeling sexy about yourself doesn’t just turn you on it turns your partner on too!

6. Sex toys

Some of us have never set foot into an adult entertainment shop. Others might have bought a toy or two or have reward cards at several. Point is, sex toys aren’t for everyone, but for some, they’re essential. Especially if reaching orgasm with or without a partner seems futile.
There are several sex toys that will give a boost to an older woman’s libido. And there are plenty of options online that make questions, fetishes, and fantasies more discreet than ever. Not every toy has to look so obvious – raise your hand if your biggest fear is TSA cracking open your carry-on and finding your veiny-vibrator in your bag. Some of the top-selling items on the market now look more like modern art or an oversized Bluetooth than a sex toy. So, if you’re even the slightest bit curious, I highly recommend exploring sites like Boutique Bellesa or Dame Products. Both are shops that are engineered or owned by women for women – and women know what women like better than anyone.

7. sex games

I’ve found one of the most exciting parts about age has been the lack of inhibitions. Prior, conversations that once felt taboo or even mildly odd just didn’t happen between my husband and me. Now? We can start talking about groceries and somehow anal beads and strap-ons can easily slip into the dialogue.

Sometimes we joke, sometimes we’re serious, and sometimes we’re frustrated about our sex life. But what’s important is the open lines of communication. And that’s what most sex games are - different forms of communicating intimately.

Being in the same relationship for a long time can feel stale, boring, and complacent. But throwing in something new and different every now and then can heat things up considerably. Maybe you want to play dress-up and role-play. Maybe your partner wants to roll the Kinky Nights dice. Either way, neither of you is going to get your needs met if you don’t open up and talk. And at this stage in life, time is of the essence so might as well start crossing off the naughty bucket list while all our parts are still in functioning order!

8. porn

For a long time I hated porn. I mean I really, really hated it. I thought it was evil and sacrilege and just wrong. But as I got older I got more curious. I wanted to know why mostly men like it so much? Evolution. Men are hard-wired for easy arousal and thus porn is an easy-access tool to get them there without much effort.

Women on the other hand have different needs to get into the mood. We like fantasies - romance, movies, stories - and foreplay is just as important to getting us off as the main event. Well, surprisingly the porn industry has caught on and taken things to a softer level. Soft and sensual are the common code words for women-inspired porn. Female-friendly porn with erotic films and sensual, tasteful sex stories are now available for pay or free depending on the site (check out Cosmopolitan’s 25 Best Porn Sites for Women). And if talking with our partners involves a desire to watch a film or two, why not incorporate something we both can enjoy.

9. erotica lit

So visual porn isn’t your thing. It’s a hard line. No problem. Have you checked out erotic novels or short stories? They’re making a killing in the literary world (Why We Need Erotica) and since the Fifty Shades Trilogy made it to mainstream and eventually the big screen, erotica lit is more readily available now than ever.
However, there are definitely wide varieties in female-friendly vs male-dominating styles of erotica lit, so be reader-beware. Smile Makers Collection is a site with tons of free erotica stories written by women for women and a great site to explore for pleasures beyond text (i.e. podcasts, toys, blogs, etc.), but there are many other sites, authors, and even a couple of female-centered magazines that cater to female-friendly erotica too (Shape or Bust). Read what moves (and grooves) you – in more ways than one.

10. erectile dysfunction

Erectile Dysfunction (ED) is a real thing for some middle age and aging men. And while there’s a lot of talk about Viagra and stimulants of the like to enhance and prolong a man’s stamina in the bedroom, there’s not a lot of talk about the woman’s perspective. Studies show 94% of men with ED say they need their partner’s support, but getting a man to talk about it openly can be the hardest part of the process.

Sex is an important physical form of communicating and bonding, but sex without verbal communication can only go so far. Aside from counseling and talking, consider other forms of intimacy. Maybe your partner is very much turned on and wants to engage but doesn’t have the (cough) signature part to finish the job. Is oral, finger, or sex toy application off the table? Sex isn’t exclusive to a vagina and a penis. And for us midlife women, ED isn’t about us – we’re not part of the problem. The importance of talking with each other and supporting one another’s changing and aging body can be just as sacred as the act itself, so don’t limit your relationship, expand it.

Sex at midlife doesn’t have to stop or be weird or gross just because we hated the idea of our parents doing it. It’s a normal, transition from reproductive capabilities to for-fun-use only. So take the time to invest in what makes you tick and get back in the saddle. Sex after 40 or 50 or 60+ might just be the best years doing the horizontal cha-cha yet. Some say grown-ass women have way better sex anyway. I say, they damn well should!