Top 10 Things To Tell Your Daughter About Midlife (Survival Guide)
Some days the hormones and feelings of all the changes in my body and life tempt me to call it and walk away from my family. Yes, I mean strike a match and toss it to the most flammable scrap of my familial fabric. Yet something deeper than my ego reminds me I don’t really want to do this. I love them and know that their need for me is greater than my occasional need for peace and isolation.
Plus, there’s my sole daughter who’s watching my every move. She’s taking stock - even if only from a subconscious level - and will probably recall some of my handlings when she approaches her own Awakening. So, I’ve compiled a survival guide to remind her that she’s not alone in all this. Nearly all biologically born women experience menopause, and while no one comes out unscathed most survive midlife (affectionately now called the menopause manifesto). Hopefully, she’ll be ready for whatever is coming, or at the very least, get a chuckle at her mother’s attempt to impart these nuggets of wisdom…
Follow The Signs
Before a girl starts her first period the signs are everywhere: body shape, pubic hair, discharge. But during midlife the signs of perimenopause and symptoms of menopause (or symptoms of premature menopause) are much less obvious from the outside yet all the same there they are: Signs.
Your cycle - is it of normal texture, color, flow, or timely? Has it changed by no fault of a change in your lifestyle? How about your moods?
Your moods - are they exclusive to PMS or are you feeling like you’re going to lose your fucking mind any minute and your period isn’t due for weeks?
Your body temp - do you feel like the environment is blasting swelteringly hot air one minute and back to normal the next?
All of these are normal, healthy ways your body is introducing you to a new phase so take note and fast because the more you ignore the signs, the more lost you’re going to feel when the world you knew pre-perimenopause comes toppling down. Trust your body. Trust yourself. You’re not alone…
2. Be Prepared
Much of life’s biggest hurdles come from ill preparedness. What can you do in the impending months or years to your entrance into the menopausal club? Same you’d do for most unknowns: find an expert or person with experience, study, and ask questions.
Older women who are already past midlife know what you’re going through and are usually happy to share their stories. They’ll tell you what to expect, and what they wish someone had told them. It doesn’t hurt to read a book or two or talk to your doctor about some burning questions you might have as well, though understand every woman’s experience is as unique and unpredictable as a fingerprint, so don’t expect simple or applicable formulaic answers.
Approach this phase of life with your eyes wide open to see as many different perspectives as possible. There’s no such thing as being too prepared, but there’s most definitely such a thing as being under prepared so get busy…
“By failing to prepare you are preparing to fail.”
3. Find Your Tribe
nearly Everything women have done over the centuries have included a team, a group, or a tribe of other women supporting each other. Alone we feel abandoned and helpless, but together, we feel connected and hopeful.
Civilization as we know it would not have survived had community and friendships been nonexistent. Women built their relationships of trust, love, and compassion with each other when they gathered by the rivers, the campfires, and in the forests to share their smiles, helping hands, and tears.
And yet as society has shifted its norms and isolated what some thought to be more sophisticated modern-family circles, a woman’s lack of community keeps her progression to learn from her tribe and intuitive growth stunted.
Midlife is a time when a woman needs a healthy and thriving sisterhood more than ever. While looking inward she needs examples and cheerleaders who can hold her hand, push, or carry her through some of the most painful obstacles ahead. By midlife, she’ll hopefully innately know who she needs in her tribe - even if she hasn’t found them yet. But what’s most important, is that she knows who and what it is she needs so she can fill the voids of trust, love, and compassion at the rivers, campfires, and forests of her future…
4. let go
Some dreams aren’t meant to come true. This can be one of the hardest lessons to come to terms with, however the sooner you do, the closer you’ll be to finding what dreams can actually come to fruition.
What’s most important in midlife however, is to recognize that submitting to the Universe’s realities doesn’t mean you’ve quit or given up on yourself. You’ve just accepted that the path you started down wasn’t the right one. So, you backtrack your steps a bit until you’re somewhere you feel safe and secure. You reread your map and check your compass, dump your pack and sift through the contents to see if you’ve got all the tools you need to get where you’re going. Then, you start walking again and try a new path, or another, or another until you know for certain this is the one for you.
Submitting yourself to follow your true calling or North Node can shed light and love and perhaps provide an easier path so try not to beat yourself up over a dream you haven’t brought into being. Instead, think about the dreams you haven’t given birth to just yet. Think about the dreams you have the power to breathe into life.
aS LONG AS YOU’RE LIVING, YOU HAVE THE POWER TO DREAM. AS LONG AS YOU’RE DREAMING, YOU HAVE THE POWER TO LIVE.
5. Listen To Your Gut
We all have a little voice in the back of our heads or a nagging feeling in the pit of our stomach that tells us our Truth: what we innately know and need to do. Sometimes we listen to it. Sometimes we don’t. Either way, we’re the only ones that have to deal with the consequences or face the reactions to our actions.
In the throes of menopause and midlife however, sometimes we forget that voice or gut feeling even exists. Sometimes we question its validity or have buried it so deep in our souls we’re not even sure we were born with one.
Now, it’s more important than ever to listen closely to the voice or feeling that’s speaking to us. Pay attention to your intuition, listen to your inner voice, and let your gut feeling guide you to the right path. No one else can hear or understand your true mission on this Earth because it’s for you and you alone to find and pursue.
Trusting yourself will give you the strength and power you need to push forward no matter what challenges lie ahead. Stop looking outward for all of life’s answers. Start looking inward. You’ll be amazed at how brilliant and bold your inner spirit really is!
This is your life. Live it or die trying…
6. Tits Up
One of my favorite programs in the past few years has been The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Beyond the fashionable vintage garb and hilarious comic routines, it’s the life lessons from Midge’s manager, Susie Myerson (Alex Borstein) that keep me coming back.
“Tits up,” Susie says when she’s trying to give Midge a boost of confidence or get her focus back in the game.
During this period in your life you might be down on yourself more than usual. You might be looking back at all your fuck ups and failures, question all the things you set out to do but forgot to finish along the way. It’s okay that you’re doing this self-reflection. It’s normal and sometimes things feel too hard to carry another step.
But those are the times you need to remind yourself how strong and tough you really are. Head up, chin up…whatever phrase inspires you most, say it to yourself. And say it often.
Menopause and midlife isn’t easy nor is it for the faint of heart, but it’s definitely worth it. Now, get back in the game. Tit’s up!
Women don’t stop when they’re tired. Women stop when they’re done.
7. create balance
With age comes this beautiful realization that no, we can’t always be or do either-or, sometimes we have no choice but to work with both. I think that’s the secret to midlife: creating balance in every spectrum of your life.
During menopause we’re given an opportunity to shed the skins of our previous selves to reveal who we really are or the woman we’ve always wanted to be. For some of us, it’s a louder, prouder, freer version. Others, quite the opposite. What matters most is that we create a sense of balance to prevent tipping the scales the opposite direction.
Speak your truth, but be ready to listen. Embrace your body, but don’t shame another. And trust your gut, but know other’s have a gut to trust too.
What’s great about balance is that there’s no starting point or finish line in the process. You’ve got the rest of your days to learn what works for you and what doesn’t. But when you find that sweet spot, you’ll know. I just pray I’ll still be alive to hear all about it…
“Balance is not something you find, it’s something you create.”
8. Learn To Fight
A warrior is inside of all of us, a stronger, smarter, and more driven piece of ourselves we often forget. She’s a woman with instinct and wild pumping through our veins. She teaches us to fight for ourselves, our children, and the goodness in the world we know is there just beneath the surface.
Learn from this woman, this warrior inside you. Don’t let the cruelness and evils of this world conform or consent, tame or break you. You are my daughter, my warrior. If you remember anything about me when I’m dead and gone - anything beyond the woman that birthed and nursed you, nurtured, and loved you, I hope you remember the fighter in me. That’s the piece of me I want you to take to your grave.
When you’re feeling down and hard on yourself or you look out your window and see the perils of what you once thought was a beautiful place to be, wake your warrior woman. She’ll never leave you. Not even for a moment. Your voice is your sword, your mind your shield, and your spirit your armor.
Fight, my beautiful Warrior. Life as we know it depends on it…
The strongest warriors learn to fight alone.
9. Feed Your Soul
If you haven’t already, find the thing or number of things that make you tick. Whether it’s art, gardening, music, racing, running, bicycling, going to retreats, yoga, crafting…anything that makes you feel human and brings you joy. Find it and feed it time and effort.
Passions you may have forgotten about or set aside because life and people and work got in the way are still there, waiting for you. Your soul needs them. Each time you allow yourself to experience bits of joy and inspiration, it feeds your soul and gives it nourishment to bring you closer to whatever your purpose or mission on this earth might be.
Don’t forget, the soul gets hungry too…
do things that feed your soul - not you ego - and you will be happy.
10. I’m always Here
When you feel so alone and unable to verbalize all of the feelings you’re having…
When you’re exhausted and pissed off and have zero fucks left to give…
When you think losing your mind would be a gift compared to the mental, emotional, and hormonal roller coaster you’re on…
I’m here, right beside you, every step of the way. I don’t know what the Universe has in store for me or if saying I’m right here in the physical form will be true, but no matter what you’re going through, I’ll be there. In spirit or body.
Nothing you can say or tell me will make me love or care for you any less. Shame or guilt, fear or rage - all of it… Go ahead, download and unpack your troubles. I’m ready to listen and hold your hand or pat your back - whatever comfort you need, I’m in. Then, when your tears and emotions are spent, reread steps 1 thru 10.
I’ll be waiting. I’m right here…
Take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror, tell the woman in your reflection all your secrets, make her feel beautiful and good about herself. Remind her what it means to really live this life. And when she’s lost and feeling scared and alone, love her harder, deeper, and more than ever.
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